changes... they happen

i probably am the worst person to write about change... i don't like change. in fact, i despise it! but the more that i try to keep things the same, the more that they don't.

i was a daddy's boy when i was a kid. since my parents got separated, i always look forward to the one friday that i get to spend time with my dad. we went to movies, arcade, and i'm pretty sure he taught me how to shoot a sniper at one point. he would drive me back home and give me 100 pesos. i didn't know what it was for, but i kept it anyway. i didn't spend it. besides, i get double of that amount as my allowance for a day during that time. as the years went by, i see less of him. i didn't mind, i got busy with school. until he bumped my stepdad's car with his jeep and never showed up again. that was five years ago. i don't know where he is or what the hell he's up to... but i saw him two years ago. he didn't look good, he was thin. it was awkward. i didn't care, things change. i was a daddy's boy then, i'm a momma's boy now.

i had a bestfriend in highschool. we were inseparable. we're like brothers. his mom would joke that i'm her 4th son cause i spend so much time in their home. graduation came and we were headed to different colleges. we were sad, but not too much. we said we'd stay in touch and everything will stay the same. but as i said, things change. he got busy, and i got my own thing goin on. we weren't in highschool. i didn't spend my afterschools in their home. in short, we're not bestfriends anymore. i doubt if we'd count as friends right now. we're practically strangers.

I've always been the good boy, the one likely to follow rules. i hate disappointing my parents, my friends. much is expected from me and i always liked the feeling of bringing home honor and pride. everybody liked me, until i decided to join a fraternity. my parents found out and suddenly, i'm the problem child. just like that, the illusion of me being a good boy was gone. eventually, i quit the fraternity for everyone's peace of mind(except for myself). but no matter what i do, i can't undo what i did. suddenly, i'm not everyone's pride anymore. i'm not mr. good guy anymore. i'm just... a guy. things change. I hate it.

but as much as we hate them, they won't go away. they happen. we don't have to like them, but we have to learn to co-exist.

my dad and i are still not talking but if given a chance, i would love to catch up with him. I've made my peace.. and it's about time i shared it with him.
i recently talked to my highschool bestfriend. it wasn't as close as our discussions before but it's a start.
i'm starting to like who i am now. it's not perfect. definitely not close to who i was before, but i found a way to be ok with it... acceptance.

i don't know why i'm exposing too much of myself in here when i couldn't even do it with people i'm close with, sometimes not even with myself. maybe it's lack of sleep, or binge eating. or maybe, just maybe, it's the one change i'm starting to like. yikes!